Posted by: keepfishing | July 1, 2008

Up for la francais?

Inquisitor is a handy little plugin for the Mac browser Safari that lets you type in your search and starts guessing what your searching for as you type, giving you the top 3 options from google in a drop down bar. It’s very handy, as by some magic it almost always knows what you’re looking for, saving you valuable clicking time.

Earlier this week, I was applying for a job, and wanted to check the formatting for my cover letter, so decided to search for ‘how to write a letter of application’. However, I got as far as writing ‘how to’, before it guessed what my third word would be, and this appeared:

Now I’m not entirely sure how google rankings work, but I imagine it’s something to do with the number of hits they get. So there must be a lot of people looking for kissing tips, and by the same logic, the top sites must offer some good advice! So naturally, always looking to improve my technique, I enquired. 

First off, for anyone looking to follow a similar journalistic path, don’t look at the one with pictures whilst eating, or for that matter, unless you want to see a video of a Thom Yorke lookalike teaching you step by step kissing techniques, the third one, ever. And if you don’t want anyone finding such sites in your search history, I’ve saved you the bother and recorded some of the best nuggets of advice right here:

  • Be kissable. Use lip balm, especially if your lips tend to get dry and chapped. Soft lips are simply more inviting. Most importantly, nobody wants to kiss someone with a stinky mouth
  • Test the waters 
    • Offer a mint, only after you’ve just had one. This can let the other person know what’s on your mind, unless you offer them mints all the time.
    • Glance at his or her lips. Don’t stare, and don’t do this when they’re talking about something that’s important to them.
    • Kiss her hand. How does she respond? If you’re a girl, you can kiss a guy’s hand, but it tends to have a submissive connotation, where as when a guy does it to a girl, it seems sweet.

     

  • Mix it up. Kisses are like snowflakes: no two are exactly the same.
     
  • Make sure your hair is out of your face.
     
  • Close your eyes. It can be a bit of a turnoff to be kissing and going cross-eyed.
     
  • Breathe. If you’re kissing for an extended period, it’s easy to forget to breathe
     
  • Try not to bite the other persons tongue.
     
  • Remember, a regular kiss is okay too, if your partner is not up for la francais.
     
Advanced kissers may find related articles on How To Get Kissable Lips (apply a sugar paste nightly), How to Give Someone a Hickey (make sure you have a good seal between the mouth and skin so that your suction is most powerful) and How to Deal With A Bad Kisser (ranging from 1. Make up a reason to get away, to 8. Break up.)
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Responses

  1. this post made for good distraction in class and an enjoyable ‘read-out-loud’ with friends. thanks!

  2. liked the part about kissing tips.

    i have inquisitor on my mac in safari and it really does work as advertised. quick and accurate too.

  3. “Make sure your hair is out of your face.”

    You heard it hear first, gals – If Al turns up wearing a headband, you know you’re onto a winner =P

  4. hahahaahhahahah… as i read this.. your rhyme.. though i don’t agree with it.. was sing-songing in my head 😉 he he he


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